


"Because they're adorable" is still reason enough

by emilyray (emilyenrose), ignipes



Category: Panic At The Disco
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-09-18
Updated: 2008-09-18
Packaged: 2017-10-07 22:23:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/69854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilyenrose/pseuds/emilyray, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ignipes/pseuds/ignipes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon hooks up with Jon right at the beginning when they barely know each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Because they're adorable" is still reason enough

**Author's Note:**

> Sappy chatfic. FORGIVE US.

Brendon hooks up with Jon right at the beginning when they barely know each other. He's all casual and laughing a lot - an awful lot - wicked smiles and bad innuendoes and grabby hands, and when he drags Jon into the hotel room, it's Brendon who strips off first, careless and confident, like he does it all the time. And he doesn't shake, and he doesn't panic, and if he got a little drunk beforehand it was only to give him courage, because Brendon knows what he wants, he does, but he has to be sure and besides he - he's - he's curious. He's thought about this, some guy, any guy, he's thought it about Ryan and then about Spencer because he knew that was safe and they'd never guess, never say anything if they did. Now he wants to stop thinking and just _do_.

If Jon knew him better Jon would see that his eyes are wide and his hands move too fast - if Jon knew him better Jon would recognize the stream of flirtatious banter for nervous babbling - if Jon knew him better he'd know Brendon's never done this before - but Jon doesn't know him that well.

Brendon pushes Jon backwards onto the bed and kisses him hard and sloppy. He's not inexperienced, not by a long shot. Turns out girls who'd probably look straight through him if they were both at school are perfectly willing to climb on top of him at parties, groping and giggling, now he's the singer in a band. Brendon never thought he'd end up the kind of guy who wouldn't remember the names of all the people he's kissed, but how can he remember, when they always have to keep moving to the next show? But he's not all that sober and not all that sure of himself right now and any thoughts of finesse or whatever fly out the window when he feels the scratch of Jon's stubble against his jaw. It's not that different. It's completely different. Jon's putting his hands in Brendon's hair and whispering, "Hey, hey, slow down, don't try to eat me," with a little crooked grin against Brendon's mouth, and Brendon has no idea what made him pick tonight and what made him pick this guy, but he feels like he's stumbled on a good idea here.

"Sorry," mumbles Brendon, and hopes he isn't blushing. It's a stupid hope. Brendon gets red easily. But, "Sorry, sorry," he says, and tries to calm down, and surreptitiously loosens his grip on Jon's shoulder which has grown unaccountably tight in the last few seconds. It's not as if Jon's going to pull away. It's not as if Brendon can stop him if he does. He tosses his head in an attempt to get some of his sweaty hair away from his face and Jon's hand that was in his hair slips down to the back of his neck. Brendon makes a small, involuntary noise which doesn't even make sense, it's not like the back of his neck is a hot spot or anything.

"Um, been a while?" says Jon. _Define a while_, thinks Brendon wildly, but he doesn't say it, just leans forward and kisses Jon, slipping a hand up under his t-shirt. He sort of knows how this bit goes. He sort of knows how all of it goes except for the bit where it's two guys in here, two guys on the bed. _Me and another guy_, thinks Brendon, and then corrects himself, _me and Jon_. He might have forgotten some of the people he's kissed, but he doesn't want to forget this one. This one is important. A milestone, kind of.

(Jon totally guesses that Brendon's never been with a guy before, guesses but isn't going to say so. Brendon's really not hiding it well at all, not the panic or the fascination or the desperation, and Jon remembers hearing somewhere that the guy grew up religious or something. He feels a weird kind of responsibility, almost: he wants to say, _don't worry, it's okay, let me show y_ou but Brendon obviously can't bear to be that vulnerable, so instead he just kisses him, deep and often. Jon always kisses the people he hooks up with - Jon likes kissing - but Brendon seems maybe a little surprised, like it wasn't what he was expecting.)

Brendon's known all through school that nobody can really stand to be near him for more than an hour. He'd always kind of thought girls were supposed to want to, like, talk and stuff when they hook up, but they never seem to care. He's surprised by the kissing, and by the fact that this guy wants to slow down. Almost like he wants to remember it too. But Brendon's probably just making that part up and he needs to stop thinking so much and start kissing again.

And fuck, he can do that, because _fuck_, the kissing is good. Maybe the guy - Jon, Jon, Brendon's going to remember his name, they talked about the Stones earlier - maybe Jon is just trying to make sure Brendon shuts up. He wouldn't actually be the first to do that by sticking his tongue in Brendon's mouth. Hell, Audrey did it all the time, and Brendon thought it was funny, and so did Ryan, he thinks (and so did Jac, and actually Jac and Brendon where the only ones who ever laughed.) It's okay by Brendon as long as this doesn't stop, the leisurely sweep of Jon's tongue, like he could do this all night, and the way his skin is rough where he's shaved.

Brendon didn't shave that morning. He thinks maybe it makes him look a little older when he doesn't. Jon rubs his hand along Brendon's jaw and makes an appreciative noise - it sounds sincere, too, though Brendon's not sure, he's better at telling the difference when it's girls - and then he pulls away, mutters, "Mind if I -?" and doesn't finish before he rolls them over, pushing Brendon down onto his back, settling so his weight's sprawled on Brendon's chest as he kisses him again.

Brendon opens his mouth and clutches at Jon's shoulders and kisses back, and then - because he's done the shy virgin thing once, and fuck it - he slides his hands down Jon's back, ends up with one on his waist under his t-shirt, the smooth warm skin there, and the other resting at the waistband of his jeans, just shy of touching the curve of Jon's ass. Brendon's heart is jackhammering, thumpthumpthumpthump, but he wriggles around under Jon trying to get what he wants, and eventually Jon gets the idea and shifts so Brendon can slip a thigh between his, and then they're lying with their legs tangled together, Brendon underneath, Brendon's hard-on pressed against Jon's thigh and - _yesfuckohgodinheaven_ thinks Brendon, in counterpoint to the thumpthumpthump of his pulse - Jon's cock sliding against Brendon's hip through the layers of fabric still between them. Brendon doesn't know which one of them is making the noises - it might be him, it's probably him - but Jon's still kissing him, and Jon's free hand is rubbing up and down Brendon's arm in a rhythm that's almost soothing. "Like this?" says Jon, grinding down against him. "Or do you want -?" but he doesn't finish the question, which is good, because it saves Brendon from having to admit that he's lost track of what he wants, just that it's in here somewhere, somewhere between the two of them. Instead Jon kisses under Brendon's ear, and the corner of his mouth, and says, "Easy, easy - ngk."

The _ngk_ is because Brendon just bit at his jaw. Brendon grins, pleased with himself, and Jon snickers, and they go back to kissing, rocking gently against each other, everything slow and lazy and not nearly as urgent and terrifying as Brendon imagined this when he imagined it happening someday - instead it's easy, easy, just like Jon said.  
_

The thing is, Brendon isn't used to "people who like him" and "people who have sex with him" being the same people, so he can't quite figure out why Jon seems to want to hang out even when they aren't naked.

Brendon is used to "people who like him" being a pretty small pool anyway. Or, well, there are people who like him, he can even admit there are quite a few people who like him, but... Brendon can count three, not including his family (who aren't speaking to him right now anyway) who can put up with him for more than an hour. Ryan and Spencer and Brent, those are his friends, and three friends is a lot for a guy like him. He's just... not expecting to get any more. He doesn't know quite how to deal with Jon, who kissed him goodbye in the mornings in a thanks-for-the-memories sort of way - Brendon can spot that - and now keeps talking to him anyway. What does he even want? Is he going to tell people? Brendon doesn't think he minds people knowing, but he'd rather tell them himself.

He thinks Jon keeps coming around maybe to hang out with Ryan, because people like Ryan (even though Ryan doesn't really like people), and they seem to get along well and have lots to talk about. But when Jon comes by the bus and Ryan isn't around, he hangs out anyway and plays video games with Brendon or talks about music or whatever, and he doesn't seem to get bored or annoyed even when Brendon gets hyped up and knows he's being obnoxious.

And then there's that time when Jon kisses him again. Out of the blue. They aren't even technically alone - nobody's watching, but there are other people around, so it's not like a "this is time to hook-up" thing. They're just talking and laughing about something stupid - Jon tells lots of stupid jokes - and Brendon's laughing really hard, and Jon just... leans over and kisses him. On the cheek. Then tells another stupid joke like it never happened.

Brendon doesn't get it, though. And a couple of cities later he's out at a party and some girl is hanging all over him and he thinks, why not, she's cute. She's also kind of mean, it turns out, and after about three minutes Brendon's pretty sure she's only hooking up with him because her friend hooked up with somebody else at another show and it's, like, a contest or whatever it is girls do, girls are weird, but he's not going to complain about getting laid. Even if he can't stop thinking about how it would be nice if she wasn't so... girly. And had broader shoulders. And a nice smile. And less make-up. And more stubble. And, okay, a dick.

Afterward he goes back to the party and it's kind of obvious where he's been so people are teasing him, but whatever, they're not being mean. Brendon looks around a little but he doesn't see Jon anywhere. Not that he's looking for any reason, just that these parties are usually more fun when Jon's around. He asks and somebody says, "Dunno, he took off," and Brendon just shrugs and pretends not to care.

It's harder to pretend not to care the next day, and the next day, when it becomes kind of obvious that Jon isn't going to bother looking for Brendon to hang out anymore.

Brendon thinks, well, it's not like he didn't know it was going to happen. Everybody gets sick of him sooner or later.

It doesn't stop him from moping, though. He must look really pathetic because Spencer and Ryan and Brent are being nice to him - like, creepy pod-people nice, not how they normally are - and even ask him if there's trouble with his family or something. (Brent is the one who cautiously tries to say, "Or did you have a fight with your boyfriend?" without using the words 'fight' or 'boyfriend', because he's not sure. He kind of assumed, but then Brendon hooked up with that girl, and he's not sure.)

Brendon has no idea what he's talking about. He just says he's fine. Tired. Little bit homesick. That makes them leave him alone, or it would normally. Brendon doesn't see why this time should be different. It's not as if he's even got anything real to be upset about. He's got a band and three friends and a record and hey, he got laid the other night. Even if she was kind of mean and didn't smile and only kissed him once.

He kind of forgets that Ryan is friends with Jon too, though, and notices that Jon doesn't come by to hang out with them anymore. Ryan is a little more blunt than Brent and flat-out asks if Brendon did something to piss Jon off. Which is... not what Brendon expected when Ryan came over to sit down and glared at him. (He thought he was going to get another lecture about skipping over lyrics during live performances because Ryan's songs are unsingable.)

Brendon just shrugs and says, "Whatever. It's nothing new." He doesn't really want to explain it to Ryan, though. Ryan likes to make a big deal about how he was uncool in high school and everything, but with Ryan a lot of the time it's more talk than reality. When Ryan couldn't stay at home, he had a girlfriend to stay with or Spencer's house to go to, and he's got friends in Vegas he still talks to all the time. When Brendon couldn't stay at home, he didn't have anywhere to go. He thinks being pathetic about losing a potential friend - who he had sex with, okay, that complicates things - isn't something Ryan knows how to be very sympathetic about.

Even worse, beneath everything else, Brendon is not at all ready to admit that he's got a huge crush on Jon and was this close to drawing their names in hearts all over his notebook. He's not ready to admit that at all, and he's afraid if he starts talking it'll just slip out.

Ryan asks, "If you didn't do anything, why is he avoiding you?"

Brendon doesn't want to talk about it, so he says, "I don't know, same reason everybody else does. I'm taking a nap."

He's not tired, but going to hide in his bunk seems like a good thing to do right now.

So Ryan decides to try another tactic and next time they're stopped he goes to find Jon. He's going to get to the bottom of this, he swears. A moping Brendon and stand-offish Jon are just _weird_. But Jon isn't all that helpful, really, because he seems annoyed that Ryan is bugging him and acts like he has all this important tech work to do and says, "What the fuck, are you keeping track of my social life now?" when Ryan asks why he doesn't hang out with Brendon anymore. Ryan considers the fact that Jon actually got angry to be A Clue, but he doesn't know what to do about it.

Turns out he doesn't have to do anything, because Ryan coming to ask made Jon feel kind of guilty for being a jerk. He's not really sure he _has _been a jerk, but now that he's had a few days to think about it, he realizes some things. Like the fact that maybe expecting Brendon to figure out that Jon wants to marry him and have his babies (Tom's words, not Jon's) is unreasonable since Jon never, well, said anything. "Want to play Halo?" isn't really considered flirtation, Jon's pretty sure. And Brendon's obviously new to the whole dudes-with-dudes thing.

(Jon would like to note that he does not want to marry anybody _or _have anybody's babies. He just wants to... make Brendon laugh. Then kiss him while he's laughing. Then get him naked and make him laugh some more. He also wants to kick every girl who flirts with Brendon. That is problematic, because lots of girls flirt with Brendon. And he flirts back, in his massively dorky way. Jon has to remind himself that kicking them while wearing flip-flops would probably hurt him more than them. Especially since they might kick back, and given the shoes they wear... seriously. They tower over Jon _and _Brendon. They are scary.

It's weird, because Jon is a-okay with girls in general. Girls get a thumbs-up from him. But girls plus Brendon? makes him want to scowl and yell and generally be an ass. Jon thinks of himself as an easy-going guy, but apparently he's not easy-going about this.)

Brendon, meanwhile, has been basically living in his bunk. Sometimes Brent drags him out and makes him play video games, and sometimes Spencer drags him out and makes him play his guitar, but mostly... Brendon just feels tired. He's not sick, he snaps whenever anyone bothers him. He's tired. It's a sad, deep kind of tiredness that Brendon hasn't really felt since - since before he joined the band. It slows him down a lot, but it probably makes him better company. Well, easier to be around. Brendon knows damn well he's not good company at the moment.

Or ever. Fuck. Self-pity sucks, but if an emo kid can't do it, who can?  
_

Well, what happens in the end is, they go on a date.

Brendon doesn't actually realize it's a date at first, but Jon comes by again to hang out, and Brendon's pretending to take a nap when he hears Jon's voice on the bus. Of course Jon wants to hang out with Ryan, he thinks. Figures. Only then he hears Jon asking, "Where's Brendon?" and his heart skips a little.

He keeps pretending to be napping, but his curtain snaps open and there's Jon, saying, "There you are! Hey, I'm hungry, want to go grab something?" just like he would have last week, like they haven't had this weird non-fight in-between. Brendon has no idea why Jon's here again, but he's not going to say no. (He is kind of hungry, too.) All of the other guys suddenly have other things to do, or just ate, or have to call their moms, or something, which would probably be weird if Brendon wasn't so happy-scared-nervous-confused that Jon is actually talking to him again.

So they walk to get food and end up at this tiny little Thai restaurant. Brendon orders the spiciest thing on the menu, like he always does, and tries not to bounce in his chair or vibrate in place or tap his feet or any of the other things he does when he's nervous. After a few minutes Jon asks, "You okay? You seem kind of... subdued."

"Sorry," Brendon says. He doesn't really know why he's apologizing, so he kind of laughs and goes on, "Usually when I'm subdued people say 'Thank god, finally,' not 'Are you okay.'"

He means for it to be a joke, but Jon doesn't laugh.

Jon says, "What?" like he doesn't get it, but Brendon knows Jon's usually more clued in than he lets on.

"I mean, I just, I know I'm annoying," Brendon says quickly, all in a rush. This feels more like an apology than the actual apology before. "I mean. I don't blame you for..." he stops and feels his face growing really really hot. He doesn't know how to say, "I don't blame you for hooking up with me then deciding that actually talking to me was too much of a pain in the ass," because Jon is here, now, across the table from him. Looking kind of angry, Brendon notices, when he looks up. It's weird to see Jon looking angry.

Jon figures some things out then. But he really doesn't want to do the heart-to-heart conversation thing, so he just kicks Brendon lightly under the table and says, "Who says you're annoying? I'll go beat them up. If they're not much bigger than me. Which rules out a lot of people, I know, but if there are short people talking shit about you - like, hobbits, I could take on some hobbits - I'll totally go after them."

That's probably the moment at which Brendon admits to himself he has a huge-ass crush on Jon Walker. Not that he didn't know that before, exactly, but at that moment, seriously, there is nothing he wouldn't do if he could just kiss Jon again. What he actually ends up doing, though, is laughing awkwardly and knocking over his water glass so that it splashes all over Jon. The only thing that keeps him from slinking down to hide under the table is the fact that Jon just laughs and throws an ice cube at him.

When the food comes out and Brendon's is so hot it makes him gasp and his eyes water with the first bite, Jon tugs at his damp shirt and says, "I've got some extra water here, you want some?" Brendon would choke if he weren't kind of choking already, and when he's got his breathing back under control and has swallowed a gulp of water to chase the food down, he knows his cheeks are burning but he's got the spicy food as an excuse.

He manages to say, "You want me to lick you, Walker?" and even put a bit of swagger into it, a bit of laughter, like he did back when he first hooked up with Jon, when he didn't know him at all.

"Sure," says Jon. "Please. Feel free." He grins.

Brendon doesn't know what to make of that. and when they leave the restaurant, Jon grabs his hand, and he doesn't know what to make of that either. He'd know if it were a girl. But this is Jon. The rules are all different. (And something in his head that sounds a lot like Spencer - so, scornful and sensible - says _different because he's a friend, dumbass, not different because he's a guy_.)

They don't go back to the buses right away but kind of wander around town instead, talking about anything and everything. They're in a city that has a river through the middle of it, and they end up standing in the middle of a bridge, looking down at the black water flowing underneath. It's probably really filthy and full of bodies, but it looks neat at nighttime, all slick and shadowy with the lights reflecting on the surface. They aren't talking anymore, but they're still holding hands, and Brendon's feeling kind of giddy and reckless, like there's a balloon in his chest making him light, and he says, "Hey." When Jon turns to look at him, Brendon leans over and kisses him quickly.

He doesn't think about it before he does it, but he does right after and almost immediately he's panicking. But Jon's holding onto his hand so he can't pull away. "Um," Brendon says. He feels like he should say something. Jon is just looking at him. "I, um."

"Brendon?"

"Maybe I should jump off this bridge now," Brendon says miserably because, god, he can't figure out what Jon's thinking at all, what the hell was that? He can't just go around kissing his friends. (_You've had sex with him, mutual orgasms and everything,_ a traitorous voice in his head whispers). But Jon still won't let go of his hand.

"I think that's a terrible idea," Jon says, and he's stepping closer - they're not that far apart to begin with.

"Sorry," Brendon says. "I won't-"

"Not the kissing," Jon says. "The jumping. The jumping is a terrible idea. The kissing is an awesome idea."

And before Brendon can say anything, Jon's kissing him again. It's kind of weird, they're not really touching anywhere except their mouths and their hands, sort of not-leaning in a way that makes Brendon feel unsteady, like he could fall over with the wrong move. But Jon's kissing him and it's not quick or friendly or anything like that, and he can't help the tiny noise that escapes when Jon finally touches him with his other hand, just a light grip on his arm.

Finally Jon pulls away a little and, okay, Brendon feels kind of breathless. In the good way. In the way that comes with being kissed by the guy you've been secretly crushing on forever, right out in the middle of some strange city, with cars driving by and nobody paying any attention and-

"I was kind of a dick last week," Jon says suddenly. He's still standing really close and it takes a second for the words to sink in.

"You were - what?" Brendon asks, confused. Maybe he's staring at Jon's mouth, which makes it hard to listen.

"Everybody tells me I'm an asshole when I'm jealous," Jon says.

"You - when you're - what?"

A few things click in Brendon's head - like, hey, Jon stopped talking him the night he hooked up with that girl, is he the world's biggest idiot for not noticing, oh man, he really is - but Jon doesn't seem to want to talk about it any more than he does, so there's more kissing.

Eventually they stop kissing long enough to walk back to the bus, and Brendon kind of hates that it's not a hotel night tonight - okay, he really really _really _hates it, because wow, he would really like a hotel room now, thank you - but Jon just follows him onto the bus and sits down beside him and puts his arm around Brendon's shoulder even though there are a million people around. He doesn't leave even when the driver says it's time to go and everybody goes back where they're supposed to be. When somebody asks Jon if he's leaving, he kind of leans against Brendon all sleepy-heavy and smiling and says, "I'm okay right here."


End file.
